So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
