she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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