is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
