Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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