the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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