I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
