Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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