i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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