For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
