last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wish I only lived at night.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i think i just lost a toe
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
