my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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