so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
