My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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