I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
