even my farts smell like vagina
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
