Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
