I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
