Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
