It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
