I'm laying in your front yard are you home
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
