We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize