And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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