I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
