He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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