Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
