the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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