Ambien. No doubt about it.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
