I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
her facebook's as public as her vagina
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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