You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
