she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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