apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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