i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
