I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize