38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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