i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
