i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
