I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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