I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
