Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize