laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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