Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
