Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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