just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
