This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
