I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
