He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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