Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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