i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She's the barista slut.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
