I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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