If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
