I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
