i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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