We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
