He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
