Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
