Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
