I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
