The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
