i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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