Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Can you bring me the toilet please
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
